Why do I think such awful things?

Phantoms in your head

Ever tried to cut your hair in front of the mirror? Your hand keeps going to the wrong side of your head. What happens to your hand, happens continuously to our thoughts.

When you don’t want to think about something, your thoughts get drawn to it. But when you do want to think about something your thoughts are all over the place. Generally this doesn’t cause big problems but in OCD sometimes it does. This is the case with obsessive intrusions. It sounds more complicated than it actually is.

I’ll explain.

Intrusions

To intrude means to come uninvited or unwanted and that describes exactly what happens. Something forces its way into consciousness that is unwanted and not owned by the subject. It can be thoughts, fantasies, images or impulses of aggressive, self-destructive, sexual, racist or blasphemous nature.

A few examples: plugging your fingers into the power socket or putting your hand into a circular saw (spinning!), grabbing people in the crotch, licking people, pushing people in front of the train, jumping over the railing, throwing a baby out of the window, having sex with children, with animals, shoving a glass into someone’s face, using foul language, pulling your trousers down in the public, thinking “I want my grandma to die”, “If only my dad would get cancer”, “Turkish bastard” , “God’s a dirty asshole” etc.
For anyone who hasn’t had enough: in Lee Baer’s book The imp of the mind there is a list of 94 examples.

Not mine

People are often well able to differentiate between thoughts they aren’t very proud about but which are their own and these other alien thoughts.
A man who suffered from sexual intrusions expressed it as follows: “I certainly have wishes, feelings, desires and impulses that I’m not proud of, but they are my own, thishowever isn’t my own ‘filth’”.

In psychoanalytical theory intrusions were seen as suppressed wishes and impulses. This approach is counterproductive and incorrect.
Most people have, at times, intrusive thoughts however in compulsive patients they cause severe agitation and deep shame. “What on earth makes me think these thoughts?” It is not known whether this occurs because the thoughts are more powerful or because they cause a cramped response. It is however known, that rejecting or neutralizing these sorts of ideas actually works to reinforce them.

Let them pass through

It’d be best if these thoughts could freely pass through you, as it were, in one ear and out the other. When fear or dislike make this unhindered passing through consciousness difficult, they will stay to torment.

A good understanding of what an intrusion actually is, can help to make reactions to them less cramped. They are not hidden, secret wishes! You can see them like the long wave radio interference that happened in the past. You’d be listening to your own channel and suddenly a weird (in my youth a Russian) foreign channel came through. That’s how you should see it, external noise, not your own music. Like thought snippets. But why do we have them?

Imagine

All sort of things happen inside us, all the time, of which we are only partly conscious or totally unconscious. Amongst them are thoughts that are the exact opposite of what you wish. When we are holding something fragile, a flash of danger can be activated: oh dear, what if I let it drop. Imagine if I jump over the railing. Imagine if i just cut somebody with a knife. This imagining actually acts like a sort of warning to be extra careful: “Look out! Don’t jump across the railing! Don’t push someone in front of the train!”
In a column in the Dutch ADF (Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive and Phobia) foundation’s magazine professor Frits Boer says: “You should reverse these kind of intrusions. What they bring, is exactly what you don’t want.”

Don’t push it away, exaggerate it

With this awareness you can try to deprive these thoughts of their shameful, distressing side. They are snippets, not hidden wishes, not your own music, interference, noise. Everybody has them sometimes and maybe you more often than others. Sometimes this helps enough to be able to pay them no further attention.

What certainly doesn’t help, is pushing them away. If paying no attention to them doesn’t work, you can try to go in search of them and even exaggerate them. That is to say, you work out the full pattern of the intrusion. Or you think about the most horrible things you can think of. For example, you imagine pushing a lot of people in front of the train.

It’s like ghosts. If you find the courage to turn around instead of running away and you take a good look, it’s no more than a sheet of air. Ghosts float above the ground. They are not rooted to the ground. They’re foggy mists, they leave behind no footprint, they’re nothing.

Seek help?

The advice above on how to deal with it, only applies when you know they are obsessive intrusions. Lee Baer gives other helpful tips in his book “The imp of the mind”. But he also mentions a couple of situations when you shouldn’t try it on your own. In any case it’s often better to seek help when suffering from more pronounced obsessive intrusions and certainly when they last a long time.

So you shouldn’t let your intrusions worry you and you should stop your compulsive behaviours. Easily said but difficult to do. Professional help is often needed to find out how to manage it. Even then it isn’t always simple, but with good help improvement is often achievable. Shame often keeps people from looking for help. Understandable, but please don’t wait too long. OCD doesn’t often get better on it’s own. The longer you try to solve the problem by rejecting the thoughts, the stronger they get.

Michiel

Every good therapist will immediately recognize that they are obsessive intrusions and won’t be at all surprised. I often notice that it’s an enormous relief to hear that it’s a recognised phenomenon, that there are more people who suffer from it and that they are not their own wishes but interference. A list of Dutch specialised centres for treatment can be found on our website and also the patient organisation ADF can help you out.

Someone who dared to take the step to seek help and went so far as to openly admitting to the problem on the Dutch television programme Lifelong OCD is Michiel. Read his blog A knife at my throat? for a behind the scenes story.

Photo credit: Romain Donato via photopin ccadaptation
By |2018-01-27T17:34:00+00:0030 mei 2014|12 Comments

About the Author:

(Kinder- en jeugd)psychiater, auteur van het boek Vals Alarm, spreker, blogt op Medisch Contact en Arts en Auto. Menno heeft zelf een dwangstoornis. Social Media: LinkedIn | Twitter

12 Comments

  1. laila oktober 16, 2018 at 12:56 - Reply

    i always think about having vulgar sex with the god.. very firty thoughts … it’s scaring the shit out of me .. what shall i do .. no matter how much i try it doesn’t go away.

    • menno oosterhoff oktober 17, 2018 at 11:51 - Reply

      Trying to get rid of it does work. You should try ( with help from a psychologist or psychiatrist) to give less attention to these thougts and not taken them seriously. It are ni wishes, but strang intrusions. When they don’t upset you so much any more it will get better.

  2. Lj september 25, 2018 at 04:58 - Reply

    This is a good article on intrusive thoughts and I found this while googling about problems getting today of memories of being
    misunderstood etc. ,or something like that..Weould always try to clear this…
    (there is also a shamanic take on intrusive energies being from things outside of us)..

    • Anoniem september 25, 2018 at 05:00 - Reply

      ,,getting rid of memories of being misunderstood.

      A typo.

    • menno oosterhoff september 28, 2018 at 15:09 - Reply

      Nice to hear that you liked the article. I hope it can be of some help with dealing with those intrusive feelings of being misunderstood.

  3. Jay augustus 30, 2018 at 23:13 - Reply

    Why am I getting these thoughts of wishing bad illnesses on myself such as cancer which is scaring the hell out of me but my mind’s just doing it then I’m telling myself I don’t want it to happen the thoughts just there it’s like someone’s taking over my brain I’m so scared i just want the thought to go away!!

    • menno oosterhoff september 3, 2018 at 15:43 - Reply

      I can imagine that those thougts are scarring you. You should take them not seriously, but that’s difficult. Seek help.

  4. menno oosterhoff juli 5, 2018 at 12:48 - Reply

    With good treatment the problems can diminish

  5. I cant juli 2, 2018 at 02:33 - Reply

    I fear there has to be something horribly wrong with me, i find myself wishing for the worst possible crap to happen and then unwishing it by repeating myself and chanting the oposite, i tell myself that if I eat certain food then i hate the lord or i think something absolutely vile about men who scare me, im only 14 and dont want to ruin myself, but im caught having wars in my mind and getting up and washing my hands at 2 am just because i thought something disturbing, and my parent dosent seem to care at all ans thinks i just cant be fixed.

    • menno oosterhoff juli 5, 2018 at 12:51 - Reply

      You don’t really wish those thngs. They are intrusive imaginations, that most people have , but some people with OCD have more problems with it. You shpould get help from someone who understands how it is and how you have te deal with it. Can you go to a familydoctor?

  6. menno oosterhoff juni 13, 2018 at 12:00 - Reply

    It is really sad that this happens to you but the best way to deal with it is that you learn to deal with it. It doesn’t stop as long as you can’t handle it. Don’t ake the intrusive thoughts serioeus, make them ridicious. Trying to suppress them will not help. Matbe the book Pure of Rose Bretecher can help Or Lee Baer The imp of teh mind.
    t

  7. Noneofyourbuisness juni 13, 2018 at 08:57 - Reply

    Will it ever be stopped?? I want to stop thinking about naked people. It won’t stop. It isn’t very helpful to my sanity. Why do I have to be the one this happens to. I feel gross.

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